In order to assist all our clients we have decided to post some of the resolved complaints that the Kreef Hotel complaints department have received:

More to follow soon. Names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Complaint 1

Mail received from Merk:

Hi Tanie Ja,

At the risk of being petulant, can I just say that the use of the word “unfortunately” in your email below as well as informing us of the status when we were corresponding on Friday prior to booking, would have been appreciated. Especially seeing that Justin had requested the Caviar option in his email to you over a month ago.

Notwithstanding that, its not a major issue. We are greatly looking forward to the festival and are sure we will have a great time at the Kreef. If you do get extra Caviar option availability please let us know.

Have a good weekend.

Reply from complaints department manager: Chris Kreef

Dear Merk

Your various complaints have reached my desk. Well, to be totally honest, it’s not really a desk in the true sense of the word. I suppose a more apt description of my working space whilst ‘at the office’ would be a flat space. Actually, that also does not describe it totally fairly, as it is a table of specific value to me, as it once belonged to a musician friend. But, I digress. Your complaint. You’re uncomfortable at the way in which you are petulant sometimes. You find that risky. And you should. Petulance is risky behaviour. Penguin Dictionary describes petulant as “adjective’ cheracterized by expressions or bouts of childish bad temper, often for no real reason; peevish”. I would worry too, if I was you. Which I’m not of course, that is just a silly expression that I used there. I mean I can surely never be you, or you me for that matter. Because you and me are, well, ourselves.. Which is important, to be yourself. Some years back, at the Kreef Hotel, we even had a sign that explained the importance of this to new guests, that had not yet experienced the finer details of a ‘POINT 5 star’ Tent Hotel (to be honest, I think that could even have been in the days when we were still a POINT 4 star hotel. But that is another story altogether. The point that I was making was… Oh ja, being yourself, the sign. The sign said something like ‘moenie ‘n doos wees nie, wees net jouself’. To be totally frank, there could have been a p-word in the place of the d-word on that sign. Aaaaw, how we miss the days before we got that point 5 grading, we could so call it like it is back then.. Being oneself, yes that was definitely the point here before I started boring you with my reminiscence of the pre point 5 star days. That was the point. It is SO important sometimes to get the point, right? Like in math, a point gotten wrong can just cause pure fucking mayhem in math. Sort of like a boob without a nipple, now that would just be totally pointless, I’d think.

point five star tent hotel
..the calm thing is to remain important..

Looking at the above company description, there is one thing that strikes me immediately. Well it doesn’t really like “strike” me, that is also just a manner of expression. But what stands out to me, honestly, is probably the sort of weirdy ‘blue’ colouring that has appeared around the POINT part. As if it ‘wants’ to stand out..? Now, let us analyse this together. Why would any ‘Hotel’ get a rating of point five star? What would be the point of that? Unless.. yes, unless it is just like that point in math again? Waiiiiit a minute, that’s it isn’t it? It’s a half a star! NOW I get it, it’s not fivestar, it’s halfstar hotel. How clever is that not? So, a hotel that is rated as half a star, would have like really basic services, probably dirty fingernailed chefs, cold water showers (that leak), no computer system (or a slow, virus infested mac) but just an old dirty book where you fill in your false name and hire the room just for an hour. Certainly no complaints department surely? Most definitely no services like counselling for petulance or support groups for petulant risky types..?

Well, you’re in luck boet.

Kreef Hotel provides you with those very important things, that you would just expect from a POINT five star establishment (important to get the point here). Our Chef cleans his nails daily (but he is well trained to spot petulant guests, and has a nasty habit of sticking his cheffing finger up his nose in full view of such people (purely as a gesture of goodwill in trying to desensitize them), we take bookings on a computer program, especially developed for us by Ticketbreak’s nice people. Sort of similar to Kulula’s booking system, where you ALSO don’t get bookings by sending emails. You book, you pay, you fly. You email, you try reserve, you don’t fly.. easy peasy. We even have a friendly oke with a wheelbarrow to carry your coolbox to your tent (though often our crew’s expressions of pain are misconstrued as smiling). Our showers are hot (mostly, and unless your petulance jumps out at the time when the shower crew are trying to be nice to you, then they fuck around with the knoppies on the geyzers – purely to help you get rid of possible petulance). Our crew arrive on site on 21 July already, to put together something that they will believe impossible at that time. But in which I will guide them daily and motivate them to be ready in time for your arrival. We are simple folk, hard workers, music lovers. We only employ clever, nice people – like us. We don’t ever believe that the customer is always right, we know most of them mean well, and others are, well, mean sometimes. We’ve never had a guest check out unsatisfied with our service, we throw them out before it gets to that point. But 99% of the time, we are able to cure many issues so that such harsh action becomes unnecessary. Issues we’ve cured are numerous and include items like “Can I have some honey in my tea”, “I insist”, “I don’t drink Ricoffy”, “but I sent you an email and I EXPECT xyz”, and our absolute speciality “Do you know who I am”. To mention but a few. This year, we have on offer a couple of new services (other than having perfected our falsified sicknotes and now includes gyneacological letterheads). The one you might be most interested in (and for which we’re proud to offer you a complimentary 1st support group coupon) is the “at the risk of sounding petulant” group, as well as the “I’m a bit uncomfortable with your use of the word “unfortunately” special group. I say ‘special’ group as this group was previously called ‘the grumpy group’, but sadly we had to let go of the members of that group (there is the other 1% that I did not mention..).

I trust the above meets with your disapproval, and just before I go – allow me to give some advice that can only make your trip to Oppikoppi sooo much more comfortable and stress-free:

  •  Be strong brother, this is the bushveld
  •  Complaints will get you nowhere, compliments will get you everywhere
  •  Be nice to the shower crew
  •  Be nice to all the crew
  •  Don’t piss Tania off, we need her to focus (she is also a trained boxer)
  •  Let us know if you have ANY problems. No, really.

Kind regards.

To answer your question: Just to confirm – do the tents accommodate 3 mattresses comfortably?
No brother, it will be rather Uncomfortable. This option was designed as a student special, or like in your case, for those buddies that forgot to book and are now moving in on your comfortable Twin Duet sharing option. There will hardly be ANY space for your luggage, you will certainly know if any of your tentmates fart/snore/masturbate at night. We will see you at the showers 1st in the morning. And we will give you tequila if you moan at our reception crew to vent your irritation. And remember, be nice to the shower crew..
Hope that answers your question?

Chris Kreef
Complaints department
..the bakkie stops here..


Response from happy Merk:

Mr Kreef,

Thank you for your response which made both chuckle and feel like bit of a doos (but not the p-word).

Your Point as highlighted below is well made. I have no doubt that the point five stars will be point five higher than I’m used to at oppikoppi.


PS. Thanks for the explanation of petulant as others in our party were asking me what it meant and I was searching for the right words. Turns out I am quite high-falutent for someone from the West Rand. Hopefully the person to occupy the third spot in one of our tents won’t be highly flatulent. On that note can we asb confirm the booking for that extra person. Ta.